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Antiques Jokes
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An antique dealer enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The dealer places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the dealer asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else."

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Four surgeons were discussing which types of patients they preferred to operate on. The first doctor said, "I prefer librarians. All of their organs are alphabetized."

The second doctor replied, "I prefer mathematicians because all of their organs are numbered."

Doctor number three responded, "I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable."

The last doctor said, "I prefer antique dealers. They don't mind if the spare parts are from last years model. Most of what they've got can be sent to a specialist for repair. If the original manufacture is out of business, there'll always be someone with just the piece you want lying around in the attic."

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At a bar one night, a group of blondes walked in chanting '44 days! 44 days!' One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of the Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, 'Why are you chanting 44 days?'

She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, 'A lot of people think us blondes are a bit dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months, but it only took us 44 days!'

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"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But, I'm not getting married until tomorrow." "I know." replied the uncle, "That's exacly what I mean."

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An international antique dealer finds himself in Moscow and wants to know the time. He sees a man approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the fellow if he knows the correct time.

"Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and looking at his wrist. "It is 10:42 and 20 seconds. The date is March 12, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising."

The dealer is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the watch that provides all this information is Japanese. No, he is told, it is "our own, a product of superior Soviet Technology."

"Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated." "Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases, "but these batteries are still a little heavy."

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An antique dealer gets stopped for speeding, 140MPH along the motorway. The police asks to see his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after I was caught drink driving."

The officer asks for his vehicle registration and the dealer says, "It's in the glove box, but it's not in my name because I just car jacked this lovely new Merc and I killed the woman that owns it and stuffed her in the boot and the gun I used is tucked under the passenger seat.

Clearly worried the officer tells the dealer to keep his hands in plain view while he radios for back-up.
When the Chief Inspector shows up, the officer tells him the story and they walk over to the guy in the car. The inspector asks to see the dealers drivers license and registration documents and he hands them over. They're valid with the dealers real name and information.

Next the supervisor leans in and looks under the seat. Finding no gun he asks the dealer to get out and open the boot. The boot opens but the only thing inside is a spare tyre.

At this point the supervisor tells the dealer what the officer had told him. The dealer says "Yeah, and I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"

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An antiques trader named Jim finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jim again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jim still has no luck.

Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good Christian. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jim is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "Jim, meet me half way on this one...Buy a blinking ticket!"

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A blonde antique dealeress wanted to go ice fishing. She'd read many books on the subject, and after buying all the necessary equipment, made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her fishing stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured out a hot drink and began to cut another hole. Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward in awe and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."

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The elderly antiques dealer told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do and it was upsetting his wife. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just plain lazy."

"Okay," said the dealer. "Now tell me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

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As Seen on all the best T-Shirts
1. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)

2. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up".

3. "Procrastinate Now."

4. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

5. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

6. "At last 18, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."

7. "Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software."

8. "I'm fresh out of estrogen and I've got a gun."

9. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

10. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."

11. "He who dies with the most toys is still dead."

12. "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."

13. "Police Station toilet stolen.... Cops have nothing to go on."

14. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

15. "A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."

16. "The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we've trashed it."

17. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like banana."

18. "Life would be so much more fun if it had background music."

19. "If there's no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"

20. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

21. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

22. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."

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A young antique dealer was picking up his son from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were being posted that day, he asked his son if he had gotten a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they might even give you a speaking part."

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Two men are approaching each other on a pavement. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Doggy Doo, 20 feet back."

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Larry, the well known Antique Dealer goes to see his travel agent.
"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?"
"Yes, but I'd like to try something different this time."
"Okay, what did you have in mind?."
"You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but. . ."
"And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but. . ."
"And the year before that I went to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes."

"Well! Could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can take her with me?"

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