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Antiques Jokes
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There was this Christies Auctioneer who was in the habit of getting home quite late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like a wreck. His wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late.

His replied, "Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather good-looking young women and started to drink to excess. Things just kept happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed back home."

His wife screamed, "You liar! You were out playing golf again, weren't you?"

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Hollywood Uncovered!! Things You'd Never Guess if it Weren't for Movies

1. Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

2. One of a pair of identical twins is always jealous and evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the correct one.

4. It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving any of the martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one.

5. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

6. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

7. Honest and hard-working policemen usually get shot a day or two before retirement.

8. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

9. During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

10. All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread stick and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

12. It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even if scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

14. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

17. A man must show no pain while being beaten to a pulp, but will wince like a baby when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate strange noises in their most see-through underwear.

19. If someone says, "I'll be right back." they won't, unless it's Arnie.

20. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

21. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

22. A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

23. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

24. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

25. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

26. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

27. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

28. It's never necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

29. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
So now you know!

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied: "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!!!"

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An antique dealers wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.

"What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"
"Gus had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the dealer. "Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.

"I know, it took forever," the husband answered. "All day long it was, take a shot, drag Gus, take a shot, drag Gus . . . "

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Eighteen Great Comebacks!
1. How about never? Is never good for you?

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. No, my powers can only be used for good.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

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At the site of the crash, one lone survivor, a rather overweight antique dealer, sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team coming toward him. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team stood aghast, transfixed as if in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.

The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The rescue team leader stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for eating the others to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

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An elderly man and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally cause a fire. So, they go see their doctor and explain the problem.

Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it and some whipped cream on top of that. Now you'd really better write it down or you'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband went into the kitchen and re-emerged about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate and said, "Hey, where's my toast?"

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you probably know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and, with this odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Did this make him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis?

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The Great Unfathomables
1. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

3. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

4. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

5. Why is a boxing ring square?

6. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

7. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

8. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

9. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

10. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

11. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

12. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

13. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

14. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

15. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

16. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

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The Antiques Loss Adjuster
An Antiques Loss Adjuster died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the Loss Adjuster was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the Loss Adjuster man by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The Loss Adjuster said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation it seems you must be about 190 years old!"

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A young antique dealer goes to the doctor complaining of a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor goes through his records and physical, he discovers that his patient has had practically every treatment known for his migraines without any improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.
When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bath, and have a good soak. Then I have my wife sponge me over with the hottest water I can stand. This helps a lot.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is still killing me, make mad passionate love to her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone.

Now, go off give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anything's done the trick!"

"Well," says the Doctor, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

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Three chaps were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first chap finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands.
He proceeded to dry his hands very carefully, using paper towel after paper towel to ensure that every spot of water on his hands was dry. Turning to the other two, he said proudly, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second guy finished shortly after and proceeded to wash his hands.
He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At British Leyland, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third chap finished and walked straight for the door, calling over his shoulder, "At Sotheby's we don't pee on our hands."

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A female antique trader gets home from her shop, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs.
"Quickly pack your bags! I just won 10 million on the lottery!"
Her husband says, "Oh my GOD! No kidding? What should I pack, beach stuff or ski stuff?"
The wife yells back, "What do I care?....Just get the hell out of here."

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